How to Tell Your Coworkers Your Wife Is Pregnant

Credit... Marina Muun

How to Tell Your Boss You're Pregnant

Prepare yourself for both positive and negative reactions before sharing your happy news.

Credit... Marina Muun

• April 17, 2020

This guide was originally published on Sept. 17, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

Growing up, my sister and I loved hearing our mother's tales of her first pregnancy. She worked as legal counsel at a national nonprofit then, and told no one at the office that she was expecting. Normally thin, she hid her changing figure under baggy clothes and, once she began to show, a tight girdle. She begged her obstetrician to squeeze her in for appointments early in the morning or during her lunch breaks.

When, by the end of her second trimester, it became clear that she wouldn't be able to keep her pregnancy a secret much longer, my mom went into her boss's office and gave notice. Though startled by her abrupt departure, he threw her a goodbye party; according to my mother, the colleagues who attended still had no idea that she was pregnant.

My mother had a good reason for hiding her news at work: This was in 1968, when it was legal to fire female employees for becoming pregnant. A decade later, Congress passed the 1978 Pregnancy Discrimination Act, which made it illegal for employers with 15 or more employees to consider pregnancy in personnel decisions, including hiring, firing, pay and benefits. Today, the law offers pregnant women the same protections and accommodations as other temporarily disabled employees.

[ If you're pregnant and working, know your rights .]

Few women use girdles to hide their pregnancies anymore, but many still worry about when and how to let their bosses know that they're expecting. According to the National Partnership for Women & Families, almost 31,000 pregnancy discrimination charges were filed with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and state-level agencies between October 2010 and September 2015. While almost one-third of the complaints were filed by women alleging they were fired because they were pregnant, other common claims included discriminatory employment conditions and workplace harassment.

"Pregnancy discrimination can be as subtle as noticing that you're not being picked anymore for key assignments, or not being given as much work or responsibility," said Sarah Fleisch Fink, J.D., general counsel and director of workplace policy for the National Partnership for Women & Families. "That's one reason why in many cases it can be so hard to prove."

Because pregnancy discrimination is often subtle and hard to prove, how and when you reveal your pregnancy to your employer can matter a great deal. For this guide, I interviewed three lawyers who specialize in employment law, as well as a consultant who assists organizations in developing and implementing family-friendly policies, for advice on how best to break the baby news to your boss.

Figure out when you want to break the news.

Legally, you don't have to notify your employer at all until late in your pregnancy. "If your company is covered by the Family and Medical Leave Act, then you just need to request leave 30 days in advance before taking off to give birth," explained Liz Morris, J.D., deputy director of the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California Hastings College of Law.

But realistically, you're going to want to tell your boss well before your third trimester, and research suggests that it may be a good idea to have the conversation early on. A 2017 University of Memphis study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that women who concealed their pregnancies at any stage reported more anxiety and distress during interactions with colleagues than those who shared the news. Most women end up sharing the news with their bosses around the end of the first trimester, when they may be starting to show and the risk of miscarriage has decreased, said Emily Martin, J.D., vice president for education and workplace justice at the National Women's Law Center in Washington, D.C. "Your boss will most likely appreciate being told as soon as you're comfortable, so that they can start thinking ahead to your maternity leave," she said.

[How to ask for parental leave when you're an hourly worker.]

Some women may need to inform their bosses before that. "If you're experiencing severe morning sickness, that may mean you're getting into work late or need to work from home a few days a week, or will be out a lot for doctor appointments, then you'll need to break the news even earlier," Martin stressed. Just make sure you explain to your supervisor that you're not going public with this information for a few more weeks, so he doesn't accidentally announce your pregnancy at the next staff meeting.

If you worry that your boss won't be happy with your news, or if for other reasons you don't want to reveal anything yet, then don't. But also make sure you've been tight-lipped with colleagues and aren't posting ultrasound pictures on social media. "When you notify your boss first, it demonstrates respect," advised Daisy Dowling, founder and CEO of Workparent, a consulting firm in New York City. "If you've told other co-workers and they end up hearing about it through the grapevine, it looks like you're deliberately hiding something from them, which may lead them to question your commitment to the company and also your own professional relationship."

Do your homework beforehand.

Before telling your boss, make sure you review your state's policies on pregnancy and parental leave. The federal Pregnancy Discrimination Act ensures that pregnant women who work for an employer of at least 15 people must be provided with the same benefits and accommodations as nonpregnant workers. Twenty-seven states, the District of Columbia and four cities have additional laws that offer further protections. The work-life advocacy organization A Better Balance has specific state and local information on its website.

You should review your company's policies as well. Under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, or F.M.L.A., public agencies, and private employers with 50 or more employees, must provide new or expecting parents 12 weeks of leave over a 12-month period to care for themselves and/or their baby. Some states, like California or New York, even require companies to provide a certain amount of paid leave. But if your company is too small for F.M.L.A., then you may not qualify, in which case pregnancy leave will unfortunately be up to your individual employer, Martin said.

Keep the initial news short and sweet.

When you walk into your boss's office, you may think it's better to snap right into planning mode, informing your employer about exactly when you plan to take off on maternity leave and how you plan to fill gaps in your absence. Don't. "You want to immediately begin with the happy news: You're expecting, and you're due on a certain date," Dowling said. "It gives your employer an opportunity to feel good about the fact that you're sharing exciting personal news with them. You're not talking to an institution or a machine — you're talking to another human being who may also be a working parent or want to become one themselves."

[How to ask for maternity or paternity leave when your company has no policy.]

If your boss responds with excitement, then the rest of the conversation should flow easily. "It's fine to say, 'You probably have a lot of questions about how we will cover my workload while I'm on leave, but trust me, I'm committed to figuring out solutions with you in the months to come," Dowling said. This is a subtle way to let your boss know that you're still focused on your job, and that you plan to return to it after your baby arrives. "No matter how great a boss you have, and how understanding they are, there is often an unconscious belief that once a woman has her baby, she'll no longer be reliable or committed to her work," Morris said. "It's important to address those assumptions up front. Say, 'My family relies on my paycheck, so I'm definitely planning on returning after this baby. I love this job, I'm grateful to have it, and I am looking forward to continuing projects when I get back.' "

If your boss seems taken aback, don't automatically panic, Dowling added. She may just be surprised and processing the information. "Just let them know the baby's due date, and stress that we will have plenty of time to figure this out between now and then," she said. Reassure management that you will be able to work, and plan to do so, up until the time you take maternity leave.

Don't be afraid to ask for accommodations.

Even if you're going through a typical pregnancy with no health-related issues, depending on your line of work, you may need some accommodations. Yet many women are afraid to ask for them. While more than 70 percent of women reported needing more frequent breaks at work once they became pregnant, fewer than half asked for them, according to a 2014 survey conducted by the National Partnership for Women & Families. Likewise, more than half of women surveyed needed a change in duties like less lifting or more sitting, yet more than one-third never asked for it. "Women are often afraid that they'll be perceived and treated differently if they ask for some sort accommodation, no matter how minor," Martin said.

The first thing you should do before you ask for an accommodation is to check your state's law. Twenty-seven states, the District of Columbia and four cities have passed laws requiring certain employers to provide reasonable accommodations during pregnancy. You can check state and local legislation at the Center for WorkLife Law's website.

Even if your state doesn't have specific legislation, you're protected under federal disability law if you have a diagnosed pregnancy-related medical condition or disability such as high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, back pain or swollen feet, Martin said. The Center for WorkLife Law has a list of pregnancy-related conditions and possible workplace accommodations. You should be as specific as possible when communicating with your manager about the kinds of accommodations or job modifications you need, and if possible, suggest a plan for providing them.

If you don't have a pregnancy-related medical condition but need basic accommodations like time off work for medical appointments or more frequent bathroom breaks, you're also most likely protected under the Pregnancy Discrimination Act. "If your employer already accommodates other workers with disabilities, then they are required to do the same for you," Morris said.

If your employer requires a doctor's note, make sure it's as specific as possible. Vague terms like "heavy lifting" or "light duty" can be used as an excuse to push women out of jobs, Morris advised. Instead, the note should issue clear guidelines like "cannot stand for more than an hour at a time," or "must consume water every 10 minutes throughout the workday." The Center for WorkLife Law also provides medical guidelines.

When to Worry

If you think you're being discriminated against because you're pregnant, there are specific steps you can take to protect your rights:

• Document suspected instances of discrimination.

• Educate yourself about local and federal laws, as well as your company's policies.

• Talk to your boss to defuse the situation if you feel comfortable doing so.

• If that's not possible, discuss the issue with someone in your human resources department.

• Seek outside help from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission or a lawyer if you can't resolve the situation on your own.

See NYT Parenting's comprehensive guide to combatting pregnancy-related workplace discrimination for more steps.

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Hallie Levine is a health and science journalist and mother of three.

How to Tell Your Coworkers Your Wife Is Pregnant

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/article/how-to-tell-boss-youre-pregnant.html

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